The Blog of lunnas

Stay Away From These Four Types of Toxic People: Choose the Company You Keep

Those with whom we assemble, we soon resemble!

This simple old saying hides a deep Truth that can enlighten and empower every aspect of our lives:

Who we are - our very essence - is continually being transformed by the company we keep.

Stated differently, when we keep the company of what is light and bright, our lives get lighter and brighter. And when we keep the company of what is dark and discouraging, our lives can't help but be dragged downward.

This idea might sound a little simplistic at first, but its power soon becomes evident when we put it to use in the quest to realize our highest aspirations. The key lies in understanding that this principle is active on multiple levels at once. For instance, when referring to "the company we keep" we of course mean the people we spend time with every day - family, friends, co-workers, etc. However, on a deeper and more important level, "company" can also refer to the thoughts and feelings moving within us in any given moment.

Have you ever been home alone in a fine mood, enjoying a meal perhaps, only to find yourself bored or depressed an hour later? That's a perfect example of the effect of hanging out with the wrong interior friends. When we are unconscious to the operation of our minds, any indigent thought or feeling that passes through us has the power to strike up a conversation and drag us into its dark circle of influence.

But just as it's possible for us to keep bad interior company that pulls us down, so is it possible to keep positive inner company that works to raise us up in any moment we choose to remember it. This not only means that we can choose not to get dragged down when we are alone, but it also means that we can choose not to get dragged down when we find ourselves in the presence of negative people as well.

How encouraging! When life places us in a situation where a run-in with someone is inevitable - perhaps at work, with a family member, in a store, etc. - we can choose to keep the company of good and true interior friends who can help keep us from falling into negative states. And therein lies the key: when we remember that keeping the company of negative interior friends is a choice, instead of an obligation, we are free to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead anxiety.

Building on this idea, let's look at four common types of people that can be identified by the four prevailing dark states that inhabit them. By learning to recognize and understand the interior workings of these four types of "toxic people," we gain important insight into what is dark and limiting inside of us. In this way, we begin the process of liberation from everything inside of us that stands in the way of knowing the peace, happiness, success, and love that we long for.

1. Muckrakers: These negative sprits live to drag up old painful events and then revel in the anger, resentment, or bitterness that such unhappy memories hold. Stay away from any spirit, in others or in yourself, that wants you to dive into some suffering over what happened in any past moment.
2. Mud Slingers: These malicious spirits pull themselves up by pulling others down. They love to gossip, criticize, judge, and denigrate anyone who ever had the misfortune of spending time with them. The only loyalty these denizens of the unconscious worlds have is to their own pain, which they feed by involving everyone they can in their mud slinging.
3. Swamp Dwellers: There is a group of mired spirits that thrive on low vibrations, and that require a human instrument to play out their endless dark dissonance. Easily recognizable, these misfortunate forces serve up dreadful mental pictures of past and future events for the sake of the unnatural reactions they produce. Ignore these corrupted spirits and they must take their evil speculations elsewhere.
4. Life Haters: These dark spirits perpetuate their hold on the human soul by resisting the beautiful gifts of life. They trick us into commiserating with their complaining, cruelty, and irritation because without our unconscious consent, these chronically conflicted spirits can't spread their poison.

Just as harmful viruses require a human host to exist and thrive, so do negative states require the unconscious consent of human beings to carry out their dark mission. For what power does a negative thought have other than the power to convince a person to do its bidding? The answer is none!

When we begin to consciously withdraw our consent to associate with toxic people, and the toxic thoughts and feelings inside of us, we leave them with no place to thrive. Our real inner work is to sweep clean the places in ourselves where such creatures reside which in turn brightens our life and the lives of everyone around us.

Begin today, this very moment, to withdraw any permission you have unknowingly granted these dark spirits to be in your life. Do not judge yourself, or those around you in whom these misdirected forces are active, but instead come awake and refuse to spend one more moment of your life lending your precious life force to their dark purposes.

I recognize that poison ivy is an OK plant. It has a right to exist, to grow, to mature and realize its full potential, even live in my backyard. I also know if I have contact with it, my skin will break out in a virulent, burning, itchy rash.

It is not the poison ivy’s fault that I erupt with a rash. It is my problem. Poison ivy is toxic to me, but I suffer a painful rash only if I have contact with it. No contact, no rash.

Sharing this world are people who are, at times, toxic. Toxic people are those people with whom contact results in a psychological rash. They are often very appealing, charming, highly inventive or compellingly persuasive. If we have a lot of contact with them, they will dominate our lives, and we become absorbed in our own itchy suffering.

The clearest example of a toxic person is the alcohol abuser. He or she is usually surrounded by people all tiptoeing around, adjusting their lives and making excuses, pretending that the person’s toxic, drug-affected behavior is normal. In reacting or adjusting to the drug abuser’s behavior, we break out in a terrible mental and emotional rash.

There are other, more subtle toxic people. For example, the passively demanding Presumer. He is the kind who expects to be waited on, to be coddled, to be adjusted to regardless of the circumstances. He makes reservations at an expensive restaurant as a surprise, then expects you to pay the bill. Presumers make arrangements and if you do not conform to them, you are treated as “the bad guy.” The resulting itchy guilt or sense of defeat you feel, is painful.

The Sufferer

Then there is the toxic Sufferer. She tells you about all kinds of mysterious ailments that require care and attention whenever you are busy not attending to her. The Sufferer will be too upset, too “headachy,” suffer fatigue or chest pains, right after she has vented huge amounts of verbal abuse on those around her. Contact with her results in passive compliance because “we don’t want to give Mommy a heart attack now do we.” And we break out in quiet resentment and rage, a very burning psychological rash.

Another toxic person is the Triangulator. He thrives off other people’s energy. He sets up others against one another so they will fight and he can safely maintain his power at the center of the storm. “You know what your sister said about you?” “So-and-so was telling me you did such-and such.” These are common phrases of the Triangulator. He plays the psychological game of “Let’s You And Him Fight.” The resulting battle between others keeps him safe in the eye of the hurricane while others break out in an emotional storm.

There are many other types of toxic people. The Blamer blames everyone else for her actions or choices. The Controller has to control everything and everyone around him. The jealous Criticizer feels so inferior that she criticizes everyone else to feel better about herself. The Chaos-Creator is the one who never corrects the mess he makes. The Provocateur invites others to feel guilty or obligated in some way.

Avoiding contact

I recognize people who are toxic are OK persons. They have a right to exist, to grow, mature into their full potential. They have a right to live their lives, even in my own psychological backyard.

Become aware that when you have contact with toxic people, you are very likely to develop a mental, emotional, even a physical, painfully itchy rash. That is not the toxic person’s problem. Your rash is your problem. If you want to avoid breaking out, avoid contact. No contact with toxic people. No reactive rash.

Give yourself permission to break contact with toxic people. Avoiding contact with people whose behavior is toxic to you is, after all, a very self-caring, if not self-preserving action.

I recognize that poison ivy is an OK plant. It has a right to exist, to grow, to mature and realize its full potential, even live in my backyard. I also know if I have contact with it, my skin will break out in a virulent, burning, itchy rash.

It is not the poison ivy’s fault that I erupt with a rash. It is my problem. Poison ivy is toxic to me, but I suffer a painful rash only if I have contact with it. No contact, no rash.

Sharing this world are people who are, at times, toxic. Toxic people are those people with whom contact results in a psychological rash. They are often very appealing, charming, highly inventive or compellingly persuasive. If we have a lot of contact with them, they will dominate our lives, and we become absorbed in our own itchy suffering.

The clearest example of a toxic person is the alcohol abuser. He or she is usually surrounded by people all tiptoeing around, adjusting their lives and making excuses, pretending that the person’s toxic, drug-affected behavior is normal. In reacting or adjusting to the drug abuser’s behavior, we break out in a terrible mental and emotional rash.

There are other, more subtle toxic people. For example, the passively demanding Presumer. He is the kind who expects to be waited on, to be coddled, to be adjusted to regardless of the circumstances. He makes reservations at an expensive restaurant as a surprise, then expects you to pay the bill. Presumers make arrangements and if you do not conform to them, you are treated as “the bad guy.” The resulting itchy guilt or sense of defeat you feel, is painful.

The Sufferer

Then there is the toxic Sufferer. She tells you about all kinds of mysterious ailments that require care and attention whenever you are busy not attending to her. The Sufferer will be too upset, too “headachy,” suffer fatigue or chest pains, right after she has vented huge amounts of verbal abuse on those around her. Contact with her results in passive compliance because “we don’t want to give Mommy a heart attack now do we.” And we break out in quiet resentment and rage, a very burning psychological rash.

Another toxic person is the Triangulator. He thrives off other people’s energy. He sets up others against one another so they will fight and he can safely maintain his power at the center of the storm. “You know what your sister said about you?” “So-and-so was telling me you did such-and such.” These are common phrases of the Triangulator. He plays the psychological game of “Let’s You And Him Fight.” The resulting battle between others keeps him safe in the eye of the hurricane while others break out in an emotional storm.

There are many other types of toxic people. The Blamer blames everyone else for her actions or choices. The Controller has to control everything and everyone around him. The jealous Criticizer feels so inferior that she criticizes everyone else to feel better about herself. The Chaos-Creator is the one who never corrects the mess he makes. The Provocateur invites others to feel guilty or obligated in some way.

Avoiding contact

I recognize people who are toxic are OK persons. They have a right to exist, to grow, mature into their full potential. They have a right to live their lives, even in my own psychological backyard.

Become aware that when you have contact with toxic people, you are very likely to develop a mental, emotional, even a physical, painfully itchy rash. That is not the toxic person’s problem. Your rash is your problem. If you want to avoid breaking out, avoid contact. No contact with toxic people. No reactive rash.

Give yourself permission to break contact with toxic people. Avoiding contact with people whose behavior is toxic to you is, after all, a very self-caring, if not self-preserving action.